Simpsons - 4d

Homer Simpson:
Don't worry. I'm sure if something happened to your mother, they would have told us.

Pimple-faced Teen:
Telegram!

Homer Simpson:
D'oh! [reads telegram] "Marge Simpson is now MIA"? Oh, no! She changed her name to Mia!

Pimple-faced Teen:
No, that means she's missing in action. [Homer cries]

Lisa Simpson:
See? Everytime we get a tree, something bad happens. [runs away]

Homer Simpson:
I wish it were me instead of her!

Pimple-faced Teen:
There's still time. The recruitment office is right...

Homer Simpson:
Shut up.


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Simpsons - 6d

Lisa Simpson:
All we have to do is dig up the time capsule!

Turanga Leela:
And bury Bart in the hole!

Marge Simpson:
I thought people in the future would be more full of peace and love. Like in Epcot Center.

Turanga Leela:
In our time, Epcot Center is a work farm for the weak.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth:
Oh, but it's not as crowded as the slave-labor camps at Universal Studios.

Marge Simpson:
Hmmm...


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Simpsons - 8d

Kent Brockman:
Mr. Simpson, how do you respond to the charges that petty vandalism such as graffiti is down eighty percent, while heavy sack beatings are up a shocking nine hundred percent?

Homer Simpson:
Aw, you can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. Forfty percent of all people know that.

Kent Brockman:
I see. Well, what do you say to the accusation that your group has been causing more crimes than it's been preventing?

Homer Simpson:
Oh, Kent, I'd be lying if I said my men weren't committing crimes.

Kent Brockman:
[pause] Well, touch?.


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Simpsons - 9d

Marge Simpson:
Well, it certainly was nice of you to accept Bart in the middle of a semester.

The Commandant:
Fortunately, we've had a couple of recent freak-outs, so that freed up a couple of bunks.

Bart Simpson:
"Freak-outs?"


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Simpsons - 10d

Mr. Burns:
Yes, feel the weightless tickle of justice!


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Simpsons - 12d

Anchorman:
Simpson scandal update: Homer sleeps nude in an oxygen tent which he believes gives him sexual powers!

Homer:
HEY! That's a half-truth!


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Simpsons - 26d

Bart Simpson:
I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.


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Simpsons - 28d

Lisa Simpson:
Sure, life is full of pain and misery, but the trick is to enjoy the few good things in the moment.

Homer Simpson:
Yeah, stupid. Stop thinking about having fun and have it.


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Simpsons - 29d

Homer Simpson:
This place is nothing like Animal House. I smashed a beatnik's guitar and he sued me for damages... successfully!


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Simpsons - 22 Jul 19

Marge:
We have those in America. They're called bull frogs.

Australian Squeaky-Voiced Teen:
That's weird! I'd have called them chuzzwazzers!


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Simpsons - 12 Jul 19

Homer:
I hope I didn't brain my damage.


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Simpsons - 12 Jul 19

Homer Simpson:
What's that smell? Chilli? Chilli powder? It's chilli! Oh my! It's the chilli cook off! I'm missing the cook off! It's going on right now and I'm missing it!


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Simpsons - 02 Jul 19

Moe:
Go home, science girl.

Lisa:
I am home.

Moe:
Good, then stay there.


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Simpsons - 22 May 19

Homer:
Marge, we had an agreement. Your sisters don't come here after six, and I stop eating your lipstick.

[quickly turns away and wipes lipstick from his teeth]


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Simpsons - 14 May 19

Kent Brockman:
Just miles from your doorstep, hundreds of men are given weapons and trained to kill. The government calls it the Army, but a more alarmist name would be... The Killbot Factory.


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Simpsons - 05 May 19

Homer:
Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.


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Ryuichi - 01 May 19

#simpsons_me_irl

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Simpsons - 17 Apr 19

Marge:
I can't help but feel this is all my fault. It was those North Korean fortune cookies - they were so insulting. "You are a coward." Nobody wants to hear that after a nice meal.

Homer:
Marge, you can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, then move on.


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Simpsons - 04 Apr 19

Number One:
[at Homer's initiation] And now for the final ordeal: The Paddling Of The Swollen Ass! With paddles.


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Simpsons - 28 Mar 19

Bart Simpson:
You can't just wail on some one because they're... what religion are you?

Bashir:
Muslim.

Bart Simpson:
Whoa boy!


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Simpsons - 25 Mar 19

Marge Simpson:
Why do you say such ridiculous things?

Homer Simpson:
They sound good in my brain, then my tongue makes not the words sound very good, formally.


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Simpsons - 25 Mar 19

Young Homer:
How could you let me turn into YOU?

Homer Simpson:
But, but, but, but... the poncho...

Young Homer:
[mimicking] "Buh, buh, buh, buh, the poncho!" Hit the road, square!


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Simpsons - 21 Mar 19

Homer Simpson:
[Marge is crying] Marge, what's wrong?

Marge Simpson:
I so wanted your father to be gay.

Grampa Simpson:
On VE Day I kissed a man by mistake.

Marge Simpson:
Thank you.


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Simpsons - 06 Mar 19

[reaching the end of her list of Homer's flaws]

Marge:
He drinks out of the carton. He never changes the baby. When he goes to sleep, he makes chewing noises. When he wakes up, he makes honking noises. Oh, oh, and he scratches himself with his keys. I guess that's it... Oh, no, wait. He kicks me in his sleep and his toenails are too long, and yellow.


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Simpsons - 05 Mar 19

Homer:
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.


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Simpsons - 02 Mar 19

Carl:
Quit drowning in self-pity and come get drunk with us.


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Simpsons - 28 Feb 19

[Homer becomes a teacher]

Lisa:
So, dad, will you be teaching from a standardized text or using the more Socratic method?

[Homer stares at her, confused]

Homer:
Yes, Lisa. Daddy's a teacher.


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Simpsons - 28 Feb 19

Professor Frink:
See those red spots? This bee is suffering from bee measles. Or as I call it, beesles.

Homer Simpson:
Animals get sick?

Professor Frink:
I'm going to talk to the girl now.

Homer Simpson:
You're the nerd.


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Simpsons - 27 Feb 19

Bart Simpson:
I don't get it. I tried to do bad, but I ended up doing good.

Reverend Lovejoy:
Haw, haw!


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Simpsons - 27 Feb 19

Homer Simpson:
Moe Szyslak, this is the part of the fairy tale where the princess goes back to the hotel and watches TV.


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